I miss all of your shining faces, as it's been far too long since I've seen them.
I just posted "Lets talk about high school" in my drive and it's maybe the most scary topic I've journeyed yet. I would absolutely LOVE your feedback on it though. Please let me know how my voice is doing, I'm really scared I'm going to to come off as an ungrateful spoiled brat, which I don't want.
XOXO Gossip Squirrel
I can see why that was hard to write. Sticking with the theme of honesty, I felt a little bit of "the spoiled brat" theme slipping through, which I think is the major challenge to writing about this subject. I'm not saying you are "the spoiled brat", but almost as if piggy backing off of your friend Eliza's words, you are calling yourself out. I find it interesting that to discuss this topic, you are forced to be self-deprecating. You tried to explain your side of the story, but since you already admitted that Eliza was right (in some sense), your side comes off as trying to justify it after the fact. Don't get me wrong; I'm not saying this is a bad thing! I'm just explaining how I felt as a reader. Part of me was pissed that your parents still enforce a curfew on you at 22. The other part of me was pissed that you don't challenge you parents. My dad threatened me with monetary stuff once in my life, and I told him "take it. I don't needed it." But at the same time, he has also given me a lot of things. He's helped out with vehicles and money on rare occasions, but all the same, I've come to understand my own privilege as well (not just the fact that I am a white male). It's an issue that most people don't even consider let alone discuss it in the public sphere. That's why I commend you on writing this. I'm not sure how you can navigate it without sounding "spoiled". Maybe if you admit where you come from up front and acknowledge that you understand you privileged status but don't apologize (necessarily) for it, you may be more successful in that department. You cannot choose the parents and situation you are born into, but you can acknowledge you place within it all. I guess what I'm really getting at is you shouldn't feel guilty about where you come from. I think your guilt hinders you in trying to say what you really mean. Maybe you could try writing this piece again without the guilt. I could be completely wrong here... It's a topic that's rarely discussed, so I rambled about my reader response.
ReplyDeleteHey Cicily -
ReplyDeleteThank goodness, first of all, that you're putting something else up in your drive! We need more from you, and you're carefully staking out the territory that grows and develops every time that you add to it. I like the piece you've got up here, about high school - in terms of the rest of your project, I especially like the opening. You've got a knack for metaphor, which will serve you well as a writer but you've also got to be sure to keep in check a bit, since it can get away from you! I don't think it is there.
I'm not sure how much of this will show up in your final piece, in part because it's hard to see yet how the various moving parts you've assembled on your drive fit together. So I'd challenge you now, while continuing to write new material (DON'T STOP WRITING NEW MATERIAL), to start to assemble these pieces into one part - that's going to give you a sense of what you need to develop, what you don't, and so forth. I suspect your predilection toward anxiety is stepping in the way, a little bit, of your writing too - I hope you'll get over that.
You're stil searching for coherence, for the pieces in your writing that will hold it all together nicely - by assembling what you've done so far, you'll begin to see more connections, and you can use those connections as prompts for new writing. But don't stop!
Cicily-
ReplyDeleteIn my opinion, I don't think you have to be concerned with voice in your newer piece about high school. After listening to your free writes in class, I read this piece with your actual voice in mind, and it all sounded like something you would say. Not about the content, but the way you say things. You have a talent for putting words together in a very nice yet sarcastic way, which adds tone and creates an overall voice for your pieces! I kind of disagree with Levi in terms of calling yourself out on being handed things. Like you said, that is conditioning from your parents. You do something good, you get rewarded and you do something bad, you get punished. I grew up in a similar way and I feel that that is just techniques that some parents use. I feel that the reason you are bringing this up is because it was an event in your life that has effected your thoughts and decisions that has bubbled up when thinking about anxiety and guilt. When you are illustrating the guilt and anxiety you have I feel that I can relate so well, only I can't pinpoint the reasons why I have grown up to have a lot of anxiety and guilt too. I want to reassure you that though the concept of having things handed to you on a silver platter, you work hard for what you have and anyone who has a problem with the way YOUR family functions doesn't know what it is like to have a secure family. I am saying this because though it may have been hard to write, I was furious when I read it: how your so called friend said that about you just got me fired up. Yeah you tried (and succeeded, in my opinion) to justify why you got this silver platter, but the only person you need to prove this to is yourself. Wow I am kind of rambling now... Sorry. Just know your voice is consistent throughout and that this event, regardless of how it may come off, is an experience that has influenced your life in many ways. Towards the end, I felt as though you were proud of how you were raised, and where it has brought you... as you should be! On another note I would like to see a little more elaboration about the connection to the graduation anxiety, since that is your main concept.
Cicily -
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure the introductory paragraph is necessary. As Cherise noted, this piece reads with a consistent voice. That consistency assists with making these pieces coherent -- no need to be an apologist. At the end of the piece I think you could expand on what happens to the silver platter. Is it replaced by a diploma? Or will your parents continue to subsidize your living situation until you find employment? I think being as explicit about this aspect of your future as possible will help readers to understand the full measure of your anxiety.
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